15 Jun 2009

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, knowing that I’m making Cooper’s last meal, knowing that he’s walking around the yard (oddly stopping often, like he was wanting to remember it,) carrying him out to the truck, made all the worse by him being happy to go – he always loves… loved, truck rides. Walking into the vet’s office and Cooper being unafraid as always, knowing that I’m there for him, it just killed me. Then, when I was leaving I saw a lady in the waiting room with her dog and said, “Enjoy every day with him…” but being unable to finish my sentence. There’s something very raw, a feeling of being stripped of all the facades we hide behind, suddenly breaking down and crying in front of complete strangers.

I’m left with a terrible mix of emotions, having been eternally hopeful that he’d somehow magically get better yet knowing he would not. Having his trust in me that I’d always be there for him, yet walking him to the gallows, and now being filled with a great sense of loneliness mixed with a feeling of deceit, like I tricked him into this, like I could have waited a few more days or weeks, yet watching him continue to wither away. Mix all this with a feeling of a huge empty void, a presence now absent – it just kills me. He was always here, through the Kimini build, the first book, the Midlana design and much of the writing of that, always happy to be with me no matter what I was doing, most often napping at my feet next to the computer. I feel like a big part of me has been ripped out.

To those who’ve never loved an animal like a family member you may wonder what all the fuss is about. I don’t know whether to feel sorry for you or be happy you’ve never had to go through this.

Farewell my friend, rest in peace. I thank you for choosing us and making our lives better through your presence. You were a strong dog who never complained, always happy for a walk, attention, or simply to be with us not matter what we were doing. You knew everything we were saying and were like our own child. I hope that wherever you are that you’re loved, and know that I’ll never forget you. I miss you terribly already.